What exactly am I doing with my life?

Does anybody else just sometimes sit back and look and their own life and ask the question

'What exactly am I doing with my life?'

Recently I've been doing this a lot and by a lot I mean.. A LOT.

It's the most horrible, empty feeling and leaves me feeling tired, depressed and unmotivated.

Most of this is due to the fact I work a lot and don't see my friends, family or even my fiance any more than a couple of times a week, and I guess after a while it just gets sad, and kind of lonely. My job isn't the worst, and I know many people have it worse than me but when I was younger I always imagined myself to be getting up every morning and going to a job I love, and I always used to say that I would much rather be in a lesser paid job and be happy than a well paid job and be unhappy. But getting older teaches you that this isn't always how it turns out and it saddens me to think that I may not be living my life to the best it can be.

I think that is what scares me the most, the fact that I am 20 in less than 3 months and thats my teenagehood over, forever. I will never ever be a teenager again, and this is where life starts to get serious, scary and adulthood kicks in. And it worries me that I have wasted my time being a teenager by working too hard and being too cautious at life. When you first turn 13 and you are a teenager for the first time its the best thing in the world, and I can vividly remember thinking that I had years ahead of me to have fun and gain life experience before becoming an adult and settling down in life, and now that's quickly and rapidly starting to get closer and closer, and what do I have to show for it? I went to school, college and now work, constant work. University was never an option for me and I don't regret not going because its just not my thing, but I regret not being more confident as a child and doing more adventurous things, I was always much too cautious. Most teenagers go through a phase when all they do is go out every weekend and drink, go to clubs and party until sunrise, but I never joined in, always saying no to the invites and staying at home in the comfort and safety of my bedroom until eventually the invites stopped happening because my friends knew the answer before they has even asked me out. 

I am not in any way saying I had a bad childhood because I 100% did not, and I guess everybody is different and I just don't enjoy clubs or partying in the slightest and that doesn't make me boring (no matter how many times my friends told me I was) I just didn't find those things fun, and still don't. But I guess saying no to these invites as a 13 year old was okay because I had ages and ages to build up the confidence to say yes, but now all that time I used to have, I just don't have any more and what if I wasted those years?

There are parts of my life which I don't regret at all, the main one being getting engaged young. I consider myself to be extremely lucky. I have managed to find someone who understands me and loves me for who I am and although we get judged endlessly when people find out how young we are and planning our wedding but as sloppy as it sounds, I actually feel so much better about life when I am with him and I get that 'everything is going to be okay' thought when we are together so why shouldn't we be engaged? screw what everyone else thinks! 

But then life happens and I don't see him for days or weeks on end and that 'everything is .going to be okay' thought fades until I can know longer hear it anymore. 

This post has turned quite depressing and moany and I do apologise and I would be genuinely shocked if you anybody but myself has read this far but I use my blog as a place to get away and relax, and although I try and keep it a positive place, it is also parts of my life and currently this is my life and how I am feeling, so I guess I am just using this little space to free my mind a bit. I won't be throwing the link of this blog post around like on my Twitter feed like most posts I write, I'm just going to leave it here and let whoever comes across it to read it, and it would be kind of comforting - in a selfish kind of way - to know if anyone else feels the same way about life as me at the moment?

I wrote a post a few months ago stating how I wanted to make changes to my life and think positive about things that went wrong and take them a as a push in the right direction, but recently I have found this so hard. It has kind of just got to a point where I just don't know what to do, I wake up everyday feeling unmotivated and frustrated at life and myself, how do I change this?

I want to start living my life properly, and not like a working machine.

Unhappy, exhausted, lonely and frustrated.

I promise next weeks post will be happier and a bit more me. I just needed to let a lot out and this is the best place for it, either that or I'd explode or cry - not that theres anything wrong with a good old cry every now and again..

xox

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