What exactly am I doing with my life?

Does anybody else just sometimes sit back and look and their own life and ask the question

'What exactly am I doing with my life?'

Recently I've been doing this a lot and by a lot I mean.. A LOT.

It's the most horrible, empty feeling and leaves me feeling tired, depressed and unmotivated.

Most of this is due to the fact I work a lot and don't see my friends, family or even my fiance any more than a couple of times a week, and I guess after a while it just gets sad, and kind of lonely. My job isn't the worst, and I know many people have it worse than me but when I was younger I always imagined myself to be getting up every morning and going to a job I love, and I always used to say that I would much rather be in a lesser paid job and be happy than a well paid job and be unhappy. But getting older teaches you that this isn't always how it turns out and it saddens me to think that I may not be living my life to the best it can be.

I think that is what scares me the most, the fact that I am 20 in less than 3 months and thats my teenagehood over, forever. I will never ever be a teenager again, and this is where life starts to get serious, scary and adulthood kicks in. And it worries me that I have wasted my time being a teenager by working too hard and being too cautious at life. When you first turn 13 and you are a teenager for the first time its the best thing in the world, and I can vividly remember thinking that I had years ahead of me to have fun and gain life experience before becoming an adult and settling down in life, and now that's quickly and rapidly starting to get closer and closer, and what do I have to show for it? I went to school, college and now work, constant work. University was never an option for me and I don't regret not going because its just not my thing, but I regret not being more confident as a child and doing more adventurous things, I was always much too cautious. Most teenagers go through a phase when all they do is go out every weekend and drink, go to clubs and party until sunrise, but I never joined in, always saying no to the invites and staying at home in the comfort and safety of my bedroom until eventually the invites stopped happening because my friends knew the answer before they has even asked me out. 

I am not in any way saying I had a bad childhood because I 100% did not, and I guess everybody is different and I just don't enjoy clubs or partying in the slightest and that doesn't make me boring (no matter how many times my friends told me I was) I just didn't find those things fun, and still don't. But I guess saying no to these invites as a 13 year old was okay because I had ages and ages to build up the confidence to say yes, but now all that time I used to have, I just don't have any more and what if I wasted those years?

There are parts of my life which I don't regret at all, the main one being getting engaged young. I consider myself to be extremely lucky. I have managed to find someone who understands me and loves me for who I am and although we get judged endlessly when people find out how young we are and planning our wedding but as sloppy as it sounds, I actually feel so much better about life when I am with him and I get that 'everything is going to be okay' thought when we are together so why shouldn't we be engaged? screw what everyone else thinks! 

But then life happens and I don't see him for days or weeks on end and that 'everything is .going to be okay' thought fades until I can know longer hear it anymore. 

This post has turned quite depressing and moany and I do apologise and I would be genuinely shocked if you anybody but myself has read this far but I use my blog as a place to get away and relax, and although I try and keep it a positive place, it is also parts of my life and currently this is my life and how I am feeling, so I guess I am just using this little space to free my mind a bit. I won't be throwing the link of this blog post around like on my Twitter feed like most posts I write, I'm just going to leave it here and let whoever comes across it to read it, and it would be kind of comforting - in a selfish kind of way - to know if anyone else feels the same way about life as me at the moment?

I wrote a post a few months ago stating how I wanted to make changes to my life and think positive about things that went wrong and take them a as a push in the right direction, but recently I have found this so hard. It has kind of just got to a point where I just don't know what to do, I wake up everyday feeling unmotivated and frustrated at life and myself, how do I change this?

I want to start living my life properly, and not like a working machine.

Unhappy, exhausted, lonely and frustrated.

I promise next weeks post will be happier and a bit more me. I just needed to let a lot out and this is the best place for it, either that or I'd explode or cry - not that theres anything wrong with a good old cry every now and again..

xox

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Wedding Dress Shopping & Overcoming Fears

I can't actually believe I have just written that title.

To be honest I cant believe I've just been and tried on wedding dresses.

WEDDING DRESSES.

W E D D I N G D R E S S E S

sorry but I'm a scared, nervous, excited, panicky mess all at the same time.

I arranged a slot to go into a little bridal store in my town that I had heard amazing things about and was not disappointed in the slightest. The shop was so small, cosy and smelt delicious, and the thing I loved the most was that the front door was locked the entire time so it was just us in the room and not just any old so and so walking through the door.

At the time of booking it I was excited and looking forward to it and that was about it, but this morning when the day arrived, my nerves went into overdrive. I showered even though my hair didn't need washing, shaved my legs to an inch of their life, moisturised and even wore matching underwear! (which was a struggle to find in its self)

 Whilst doing so it suddenly hit me what I was most nervous about, the fact that I would be standing in just my underwear in front of a complete stranger whilst she helped me into wedding dresses that may not suit me, and make me look ridiculous. I am also very prone to getting spots on the top of my back. I use a special body wash in the shower to help get rid of them but every now and then they flare up and today - of all days!!!!!! they decided to come back to haunt me, and its a complex I am really self conscious about.

The more I dwelled on these issues the more and more closer I got to too cancelling the slot I had booked. 

My mind was racing all day, and I got more and more self-conscious. 

  

'What if I look fat in the dresses?'

'What if none of them look right and I just don't suit wedding dresses?'

'What if I get told that I look horrible?'

'What if I choose the wrong style?'

'What if she thinks my spotty back is disgusting?'

These 'what ifs' were never ending and they were taking up my day, I had a meeting in the morning at work and could barely concentrate on what was being said, I was just watching the clock counting down the minutes until I would be trying on the dresses.

My Mum and Sister came along with me and I did text my sister telling her I was nervous, and she told me not to worry.

Once getting into the little shop and picking out my favourite dresses and talking about the date, the style, the venue, my fiance etc etc etc the time came to actually try on the dresses.

I left the comfort of my Mum and Sister in the main shop and went into the dressing room with the lady to get into the dresses, and now looking back (even though it was literally an hour ago) I am really quite proud of myself! 

I got undressed into my underwear and made my self look a lot more confident than I felt whilst she was helping me into the dresses, and it wasn't scary at all. I was just annoyed at myself for wasting an afternoon worrying about it.

And I can know honestly say that trying on wedding dresses is one of THE BEST experiences I have ever had. There were ones I didn't like and ones I loved, and one in particular that I have picked out as my favourite, which I will be going back to try again.

Today is a day I will remember forever but not just for trying on wedding dresses and the reality of getting married and being a wife literally hitting me really hard (in the nicest way)

but I also managed to over come self conciousness. Not that its gone completely in any shape or form, but I feel some part of me is a tiny bit more confident (especially when I was told I have a lovely figure for fitted dresses - oh slight little wedding dress hint there ;), keep that one quiet please...) and for that I am proud of myself!

All in all, today has been a good day!

P.S sorry in the lack of photos in this post, but I am not showing anyone the dresses I tried or which one was my favourite as its a complete secret until the day.

#

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