Confidence.

Confidence I find such a strange and confusing word, not the word itself but more of the concept and meaning behind it.

It can be a wonderful and powerful thing as some people are glowing and bursting with self-confidence and its often wonderful to be around someone with this positive attitude as it can bounce from them and instantly make you feel more confident in yourself.

It can also be exciting and creative, so finding the confidence to try out new clothes and outfits that you may not usually wear. Or just simply going into Superdrug and purchasing different and new makeup products in colours and shades you've seen other people pull-off and want to try for yourself.

Confidence can also take a different turn and stop people from wanting to do things they want, or even leave the house on bad days. It can completely ruin the way people see themselves and also how they see others.

Bad self-confidence can lead to comparing - comparing the way you look to the way somebody else looks in all areas, makeup, facial features, shape, size weight, hair, skin, clothing - everything, eventually making you feel completely and utterly rubbish about yourself.

Personally I envy people who can relate to being confident and comfortable in situations without feeling paranoid and self-conscious. I am unfortunately a sufferer of bad self-confidence to a point where leaving the house and being in social situations becomes a distant thought and not something to be dwelled on.

It's a hard and complicated feeling to explain and I think a lot of confident people would find it hard to understand (yet I also believe that being over confident can be a way of dealing with being self-conscious in some people), and only recently have I started to properly start to think about the way I feel about myself everyday and how much it affects my life on a daily basis, and the accidental habit it has become to judge myself against others and against myself in the mirror each morning.

People are all different and the reasons and situations they become self-conscious and anxious in is different for all, for me it is always in the back of my mind what other people are thinking of me, and what I look like to them.

Does my hair look okay? Is it greasy or flat?

Is my makeup okay? Does this new shade of foundation suit my skin?

Do I look orange? or too pale?

I forgot to curl my eyelashes - now I'm going to look weird and everyone will notice.

I knew I shouldn't have worn this new eyeshadow colour - everyone thinks it looks stupid I know it.

Why did I choose to wear these jeans this morning, my thighs look huge.

This top makes me look fat.

I'm walking weird, people are laughing at me.

These shoes don't go with my outfit and everyone has noticed.

What if the zip on my trousers is undone, but I can't check because then I'm drawing attention to it.

What if someone I know sees me and thinks I look ugly?

It's EXHAUSTING.

But why do we do it?

Why does our brain think it's okay to make ourselves feel rubbish about ourselves?

My lack of self-confidence stems entirely from my huge complex over my nose.

I have whats called a 'Roman Nose' so rather than my nose being flat or curved in the middle it bumps outwards at one section right in the centre (Google image Roman Nose). Looking straight on at my face its unnoticeable but from a side view it's the first thing you see (well so I assume when people look at me anyway). 

Over a few years I have tried many methods of drawing attention away from my nose, wearing bright coloured lipstick/gloss, avoiding standing next to people I talk too, wearing high necked brightly coloured scarves, etc etc etc, but when it comes down to it, nothing other than surgery is going to change the way I look. 

It's something I have seriously looked into and spoken to my parents about (who said no before I had even finished the words 'nose job'), as reality always hits me and I realise that my nose is going to be this way and having surgery is literally the only option - not that will ever probably happen.

Having a feature on yourself that triggers anxiety and being self-conscious is a difficult situation, especially when its smack-bang in the middle of your face and not really something that can be covered up (no matter how hard I may try...).

Does anybody else know what I mean?

My solution for the time being is getting glasses as my opticians has found a small minor reason for me to have them, and I'm crossing all fingers, toes, arms and legs that I will end up with a pair to lesson the obvious bump from a side profile on my face. 

It sounds like a ridiculous thing to be excited about, but it could potentially change my life and the way I feel and think when going out everyday - imagine not having to worry about my nose.

Knowing me, I'd start worrying about the way I look in glasses!

I had originally planned a 'Natural Everyday Makeup Routine' blog post and spent a whole afternoon doing my makeup and taking the photos for it, but once I started uploading the photos I couldn't bring up the courage to post a photo of myself on this blog without any makeup on and looking completely natural and exposed to the camera so I guess this post explains why. 

I know there are many many other people who will read this post and know exactly where I'm coming from and can relate to me which in a selfish kind of way actually comforts me slightly - it's always nice to know you're not on the only one I guess!

I'm not really how to end this post, as I never really planned on writing it. I turned on my laptop to play Sims for a bit but ended up here to let out some thoughts, but that's what having a blog that nobody knows about is all about, right?

Molly 

xox

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